The nightmare came back last night. It was as it always is, the three men that molested me doing what they do best (violating me) with my ex watching and laughing at my agony. I wake up everytime sweating and sick at my stomach. The replaying of all that trauma and with my ex laughing at my calamity is just all too real. It is not like those things happened in the past but that they are happening at this moment. Right now. And what makes it worse is it just seems to me, particularly when I wake up like this, that they are all just around the corner trying their best to make it clear to me just what I am worth.
I am sick at my stomach and all I want to do is cut out the badness that is just inherent in me. I know I am a horrible person. Yes, I have lied to others. Yes, I have hurt my kids. Yes, I am worth little in this world. I have heard that enough over my lifetime to know that all of those people couldn't be wrong. From teachers to my father to my sister to my ex to T to everyone now.
How is it that someone as awful and messed up as me is allowed to even breathe? That is one question I doubt will ever get an answer.
I am sick at my stomach and all I want to do is cut out the badness that is just inherent in me. I know I am a horrible person. Yes, I have lied to others. Yes, I have hurt my kids. Yes, I am worth little in this world. I have heard that enough over my lifetime to know that all of those people couldn't be wrong. From teachers to my father to my sister to my ex to T to everyone now.
How is it that someone as awful and messed up as me is allowed to even breathe? That is one question I doubt will ever get an answer.
Furl It
Simpy
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