Can't come to work today...

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work:

'Hello. Can't work today, still queer.'



~Robin Tyler

Better Life

Better Life



Friday night and the moon is high

I'm wide-awake just watchin' you sleep

And I promise you you're gonna have

More than just the things that you need

We ain't got much now, We're just startin' out

But I know somehow paradise is comin'



Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones

Good luck's gonna shine

Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones

So hold on

We're headed for a better life



Oh now there's a place for you and me

Where we can dream as big as the sky

I know it's hard to see it now

But baby someday we're gonna fly



This road we're on, you know it might be long

But my faith is strong

It's all that really matters



So hold on, hold on

C'mon baby, hold on

Yeah, we're gonna have it all



And ooh



Oh, a better life

Hey we're gonna leave this all behind us baby, wait and see

We're headed for a better life, you and me

We're gonna break the chains that bind and, finally we'll be free

We're gonna be the ones that have it all, you and me

Just hold on tight now baby

A new day

Oh my last night was nice. I spent a almost two hours on the phone with my new friend. She is the sweetest, kindest person I have met in a very long time. She definitely has me under her spell. No doubt about that. :)



The only thing I really need to do today is the dreaded trash duty. I need to clean the fridge out and gather the trash from around the house and then, of course, take it out and roll that goofy can to the street for the pick-up tomorrow. That shouldn't take too long. It is just that I hate trash duty. I would rather let it hang out in bags in the kitchen that take it out. I know that is gross and disgusting but when you hate something, you hate it.



My parents have begun the trek to head back home. I hope that the weather is good for them so that they do not have too many troubles.



I have worked very hard this week in the house. I do hope my parents notice and are pleased. That is pathetic that I still want approval from my parents, isn't it? Pitiful...



Well, I promised my new friend I would call her this morning and I am going to do that in a couple of hours. I want to read more in my new book and get that refrigerator done first.



I hope that today brings my blog buddies nothing but goodness. For those that are struggling, please know you are not alone. There are many of us out here that struggle. Hang in there as there are better days ahead. I wouldn't have thought that on Friday when I was going through all that mess but I know that since I had a good day yesterday and I have a feeling that today will be good too, that it does happen. Good days do happen even in the midst of the worst strife and discord, not to mention all the ugly feelings that go with that.



Take care.

Nightmares and flashbacks

The nightmare came back last night. It was as it always is, the three men that molested me doing what they do best (violating me) with my ex watching and laughing at my agony. I wake up everytime sweating and sick at my stomach. The replaying of all that trauma and with my ex laughing at my calamity is just all too real. It is not like those things happened in the past but that they are happening at this moment. Right now. And what makes it worse is it just seems to me, particularly when I wake up like this, that they are all just around the corner trying their best to make it clear to me just what I am worth.



I am sick at my stomach and all I want to do is cut out the badness that is just inherent in me. I know I am a horrible person. Yes, I have lied to others. Yes, I have hurt my kids. Yes, I am worth little in this world. I have heard that enough over my lifetime to know that all of those people couldn't be wrong. From teachers to my father to my sister to my ex to T to everyone now.



How is it that someone as awful and messed up as me is allowed to even breathe? That is one question I doubt will ever get an answer.

Late night calls equal tragedy, right?

Good grief. My sister Lori did it again. Every time she gets wasted she gets into a fight with Roy and then ends up calling my mom in the middle of the night. Last night was no different. It was 2:30 am and her beef was that she didn't want to tell Roy why she wanted to leave the house. Wes told her not to call them in the middle of the night again unless someone died. Hallelujah!



If I was ever accused or thought of as a manipulator it is only because I learned from the best. Lori is easily the Academy award winner. She loves to take emotional hostages by making these absurd phone calls in the middle of the night. She even made the arresting officer (who has just picked her up for DUI) call Wes at 3 am to demand that he meet them down at the jail and bail her out. He told the cop to tell her to rot in jail. If she is going to knowingly get wasted and then try and drive around town then she needed to go to jail.



It is snowing hard today and will be all day. I am freezing cold. Combine that with this unreal numbness and emptiness and it is certainly the recipe that tells me to stay in bed today. So, after this is posted I am heading back to bed, to huddle under the covers, to sleep, to escape.



My mom wants me to make soup for dinner. We will just have to see if I am up to doing that. Right now, I have this cookie baking adventure looming ahead of me. My mom wants me to make cookies for them to take on their trip to Virginia next week. I said I would do it not wanting my mom to know what I am going through right now. So, tomorrow, regardless of the weather, I have to go to Safeway to get the stuff to make these cookies and then I am going to just have to force myself to smile and bake. I can do it. I am a talented actress when it comes to hiding my emotions.



I don't know right now but maybe today I will give in to the urges and compulsion to do what I need to do to get relief from this awful feeling of numbness and emptiness. Then maybe I will finally have was has eluded me for what seems like forever: relief.



Once again I am struck by the saying of Pogo, 'I have met the enemy and he is us.' I think that is powerful.



Oh, if anyone caught Larry King Live last night then you got to watch Cynthia Sommer in a jailhouse interview. It confirmed what I have known all along and that is that she did not do it. There is just no way. There is not one shred of evidence that proves that she even had the intention to obtain arsenic. No evidence to even suggest there were problems in her marriage. If she had poisoned him then why in the world would she have donated his organs? If he had 1000 times the acceptable level of arsenic in his body how in the world could he have spent the day before his death riding roller coasters with his kids at Knots Berry Farm? It is just not adding up at all. I am not the only one that agrees with this assessment too. Beth Karas, anchor with Court TV, who sat in on that trial and never missed a moment of testimony has the same conclusion. What a travesty of justice. She will be sentenced to life without the possibility of parole and, obviously, so has her four kids.



Just my rambling thoughts for today. I hope you guys are warmer and doing better than me.

Long hard day almost gone

This has been an incredibly long day. You would not imagine that someone who spent almost the whole day in bed might say such a thing. But I am. Tonight I am so going to bed early.



My mom agreed that I didn't have to make soup since I really didn't feel like cooking. Whew. So pizza it is. Unfortunately for my tummy it is going to be another hour and a half because of the snow and all the people ordering take out.



It is snowing so hard and has been all day. We should have another 3-4 inches before this thing goes away. Yuck.



I need to go out tomorrow and get the stuff to make my mom her cookies for the trip next week and to mail a package I am going to send to my kids for Valentine's Day.



I really hope my ex lets them have the presents. I really try hard to pick out things that they would like and, maybe it is none of my concern but I would really like to know that they at least got the presents. We will see if they respond though. It is out of my hands.



I am still avoiding this feeling of being numb and empty. I feel so out of control. Do I face these feelings or do I try to push them away by self-injuring? To me, it is just too hard to face them, it just hurts too much. I might learn through the facing of these wretched feelings that I really am what I think I am. And what would that be? I just cannot go there either.

Stupidbowl Day

I have a friend that referred to the Superbowl as Stupidbowl and I really like that. :) It definitely sticks.



I had a really interesting dream last night. It was about me buying a gun. I was in the army with my ex, and, for some reason (still not sure why), I felt like I had to buy a gun. A semi-automatic gun. One that would kill with one bullet.



My ex was sick and needed surgery, I tried to stay with her but I was really obsessed with buying this gun. There was a nurse that went out into the field with me. I had the gun with me and I was wanting to shoot it. I told her I needed the gun for protection. She yelled at me and told me that NO ONE buys a gun for protection. She was definitely insinuating that I had some siniter motive for buying it.



My ex was getting sicker and they had an IV in her arm and I just knew I had to talk to her and tell her what the nurse said. She HAD to know that someone was questioning our motives for having this gun. I was very afraid that the army would find out and I was going to get into big trouble. SO, I hid the gun in a closet under some stuff.



I have no idea what the dream meant at all. Not even one clue.



Oh, well.



In a little bit I am going to be leaving for Wal-mart. My mom ordered two of those long sub sandwiches for the Stupidbowl party. I need to get some groceries and try once again to exchange the second season of Grey's Anatomy. Last time I tried to exchange it they didn't have it in stock. So, I am going to try again.



I watched this show last night on the Discovery Times channel about 'Terror's Children.' It was fascinating and revealing. I wondered if I could apply some of the things they talked about to my own self as I am one of 'Terror's' children. No question about that.



I have learned through reading A Bright Red Scream that there are actually 8 million of us in this country that self-injure in one way or another. See, I KNEW I wasn't alone. I feel that way most of the time but I cannot refute facts like that. Just an interesting statistic.



I have almost read 400 pages of Get Me Out of Here. It is not so different than the other books I have been reading. I cannot put this one down either.



On CNN last night they did a segment on family secrets. It was about these people that inhereted houses and storage units. Upon their attempts to go through the stuff found in them they located trunks and suitcases. When they opened them, they found mummified remains of tiny babies. Some with the umbilical cord still attached. Now, they are trying to figure out if the babies are related to them or what. Kind of a whodunit.



I thought it was very symbolic. Have we, as survivors of terror, been gently and carefully wrapped and placed in trunks, only to be found many years later, preserved and ready for examination? Only the internal organs are no longer there. There is only a shell remaining. Mummified and preserved. But, remaining nonetheless.



I am just thoughtfully thinking about this and wondering. Could it be possible that we preserved ourselves in order to survive the horrors of our lives? I am no where near an answer to that one. Right now, the inner child that suffered so much in me is still hidden away in the attic. Out of reach. Out of sight.



Just wondering.